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He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Sometimes doubt is invigorating and exciting, sometimes it's just not. I've found two side effects quite unpleasant. The second one will be covered in a subsequent blog post.

First,  I miss knowing and feeling that God loves me.  It is profound to believe and feel that an all -powerful and all-loving God cares for you and watches out for you.  I probably took this for granted in my years of stronger faith.

I have been listening to the Chronicles of Narnia on CD and I can almost cry at the depictions of Aslan. Especially in the A Horse and His Boy where he explains that he was the lion that chased them and the cat that kept them company in the tombs. He was ever present and working for their good. I love how he sent help just when the Narnians needed it the most.  I wish and hope that there is a God like that. There's just a part of me that isn't convinced.

I wrestle with what it means if I am not loved by the ultimate. I know I am loved by people but that is never as strong or perfect as the love of God. Christians teach that all the time: human love is fickle and cannot be depended on. People will fail you but God never will.

I am trying to learn to take solace in the fact that I exist. Life, much less conscious life, is so rare in the history and space of the universe. I am alive and I am aware of myself and this amazing terrible reality.  In that I am privileged. I have experienced love, joy, peace, beauty, and awe.  For that I can be grateful.

I am going to go and read some scriptures and listen to some songs and see if that helps.  If there is a God who made all of this and is loving like I've been taught then he has my respect.  I truly am a fool before him.

I can picture myself sitting with a flower in my hand plucking the petals reciting the school girl deliberation: "He loves me, he loves me not..."  But the emotion is not giddiness and excitement...rather it lands somewhere between elation and sorrow. The stakes are so high.

Just a note to those who would point to this as an argument for faith: "see you should believe, you'll feel better."  I would just say thanks, I know.  I wish the case was more compelling and I am still examining but at this point for me now, the question is open.

And I do take true solace in knowing that with my wife, my children, my family and friends, I do know which petal gets plucked last...and my life is so much better for it.
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