Joe's Journey

I felt a tinge of parental guilt when I told our kids that we were visiting yet another church.  They've enjoyed some of the churches and others not so much. But even when they enjoyed the church I knew they had to deal with the stress of being the new kid in a new place. As we approached the church, we passed Wegmans and parked next to the movie theater both places that were familiar to the kids. The first sight that caught my eye was two church members out front picking up trash. As I got closer I realized one of them was the principal at my son's school that I had just seen the other day. One the whole, I felt very positive about the visit and I'll share the highlights below. Congregation First off I noticed that the sanctuary was full of Millennials and young adults all of whom are leaving churches across our country.  There were several older people too which I took as a good sign. There had to be 30 or more kids that came in for the last part of the service...

In writing several of my previous posts I had a nagging sense that the focus has been on the negative emotions related to this transition. That is okay with me, honesty necessitates this.  Nevertheless, my soul was alarmed. What happened to the joy, enthusiasm and curiosity that underwrote the earlier part of this journey?   There are a few reasons this sense of "going towards something," has been temporarily misplaced: First, my ipad stopped downloading podcasts. For months I have been listening to inspiring and life giving discussions with my ipad and blue tooth speaker in my little Corolla. Now I have been listening to Narnia on CD which is amazing but not the same. I can get the podcasts on my laptop but with a new schedule my listening frequency has plummeted.  Secondly, my Wed pm small group has come to a close. It consisted of 1.5 hrs in the car listening to podcasts and over an hour sharing authentically with some guys who have become close friends. ...

On July 10th, 2017 I was a little panicked. I knew I was supposed to submit my credentials but for the life of me I could not find or even remember seeing my ordination certificate. It's ironic that I was worried that I wasn't completely disqualified from ministry. I knew I needed to not be an ordained Wesleyan but surely there would be negative consequences for not turning it in.  Of course when I thought about it more I couldn't come up with much. I wound up writing a hand written note acknowledging my credential surrender and explaining that the certificate was lost. I tore the basement and attic up looking for the thing. I opened boxes of binders and picture frames and found nothing. I found some of my wife's diplomas and certificates. To be truthful I was beginning to begrudge how she seemed to preserve her stuff but didn't care about mine. As if my stuff was her responsibility.  I guess when I get frustrated it's nice to have someone else to blame. ...

In my previous post , I described a side effect of doubt I've been experiencing: the lack of feeling and knowing that God loves me. Here's the second and in some ways it's a corollary:    I am struggling to find or feel a sense of purpose.  When my faith was intact I had a well constructed belief system that clarified and emphasized the purpose of life. There is the Westminster confession of faith that says the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever . The whole point of life is to live for God instead of yourself.  You trust God's gift of salvation, you devote yourself to telling people about Jesus so they can know the goodness of God and you strive to show the love of God to others.  It's not always easy, Christians devote much ink and breath trying to remind themselves to align their lives with their mandated purpose.  No wonder Rick Warren's book Purpose Driven Life  was a smash hit!  People are hungering for...

Sometimes doubt is invigorating and exciting, sometimes it's just not. I've found two side effects quite unpleasant. The second one will be covered in a subsequent blog post . First,   I miss knowing and feeling that God loves me .  It is profound to believe and feel that an all -powerful and all-loving God cares for you and watches out for you.  I probably took this for granted in my years of stronger faith. I have been listening to the Chronicles of Narnia on CD and I can almost cry at the depictions of Aslan. Especially in the A   Horse and His Boy where he explains that he was the lion that chased them and the cat that kept them company in the tombs. He was ever present and working for their good. I love how he sent help just when the Narnians needed it the most.  I wish and hope that there is a God like that. There's just a part of me that isn't convinced. I wrestle with what it means if I am not loved by the ultimate. I know I am loved by people b...

I was talking with A, my new coworker and superior in the produce department at Weis.  We had talked sports and hunting and I thought I'd throw out the topic of the upcoming total solar eclipse (coming this Monday). He knew about it and after a few chat exchanges, I shared a bit of my awe and wonder at space: how we are on a ball of dirt cruising through the universe. I told him how the immensity of space and reality really puts life and its problems into perspective. At this he must have found our conversation a bit out of the ordinary for a work conversation while  dusting ledges with pink micro-fiber cloths because in response he asked me, "what did you do before you came here?" "I was a pastor," I replied realizing my answer was a significant dearth of info to provide with any hope of him understanding who I am and why I was there.  He wondered why I wasn't pastoring anymore and I told him that my beliefs changed and that I no longer held all the...

Surely, the question in S's mind was something like the one in the title of this post. But probably "heck" instead of "hell" because S is a dear church-going lady...a wonderful former parishioner of mine to be exact. She knew me as Pastor Joe or PJ. Just a few months ago, I was wearing my clerical collar and sitting in a chair she graciously offered beside the bed of her aunt who was in the hospital. Her aunt Gwen had failing health and death seemed just around the corner. At church S would always give me updates about Gwen in case I hadn't made time to go visit her myself. Today, I saw S. I was working at her grocery store and donning my red Weis shirt with my black apron and the ball cap produce associates are supposed to wear. As I stacked oranges, S gave me the update on Gwen who happens to have made a turn around much to my delight. We finished the conversation with me mentioning I could stop by and her letting me know how much it would mean to Gw...

In January 2017, I sensed something was up and I opened a word document to serve as a journal. I have a paper journal but I can't get my thoughts out as fast with a pen as I can typing.  Below is an excerpt with editorial comments in parentheses. 1/4/217 Things are changing…a lot. I got my new Merrell hiking shoes on today…and I’m sitting in my office reading for hours on end.   My step count won’t be especially high, but I covered a decent swath of territory. At least, I know I moved. Figuring goals for 2017 for our church some weeks ago…all I could come up with is, “go somewhere new”. I think Jan 2018 will look much different than Jan 2017.  I’m not sure what but I feel like things are stirring and inertia will be overcome. I have been reading Peter Enns, finished two books in as many weeks. Both deal with the Bible. He touches on the topic of the Canaanite genocide. I wrestled with this some after hearing Christopher Hitchens and Dawkins...

In June 2017 , I was an ordained minister and full time pastor of a small Wesleyan Church in Jersey Shore PA and I was coming up on my 7th work anniversary. As of July 10th, I was no longer an ordained minister or pastor.  It is now into August and I am beginning as a Produce associate at a local grocery store and a hired hand sub for the local school district. So what happened? I  quit. I resigned.  Part of the purpose of this blog is to share my story so stay tuned for a fuller answer.    Beginning in January 2017, I began going through a faith deconstruction. If that term is unfamiliar it basically means the assumptions and beliefs you held to that point stop working for you.  I didn't know whether to call it a faith transition or faith crisis. For me it felt like an important journey and I was excited about the trajectory. I didn't feel fear or dread like I think one would in a faith "crisis". Nevertheless, "crisis" is probably appropriate ...